i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
