I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
