you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
