wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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