Can i not drive my cunt home
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
