also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
