I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
