I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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