Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
