I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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