he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
