Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
