That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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