i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
