last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
