i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
