I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
