I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
two words...techno handjob
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
