You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
