I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
