Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
