Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
