Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
