Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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