worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
