Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
