What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Will you blow on my dice?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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