Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
