Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
