pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
