It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
