I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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