someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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