I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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