i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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