Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
