i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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