Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
