Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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