Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
