Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
