it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
