Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
