You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
