Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
