It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
