We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
