I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
