the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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