I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
